So, it's getting pretty close to Christmas and I have been having a harder time this year than I ever have before.
Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful wife, a decent job, and plenty of "friends". Even though I have all these things it doesn't stop me from thinking about my parents recent divorce.
They were not always happy and they were no the perfect parents, they were far from it, but, they were my parents. Now I don't even know where my mother is and my dad is father away from me than I have ever really noticed since I moved to Bellingham. The days fly by and I am sitting here staring at a book that needs to be edited so that I can, for the first time share my writing with my family.
I take a step back and fear the future. What will I become? Where will I lead this family I keep dreaming about? Will my friends ever grow up and be there for me like I am for them? Who knows?
I tend to fall back on the memories of my grandmother who lived for Christmas and all of her grand kids. I loved her even though I only knew her as grandma and not as a real person. She died of cancer before I ever got the chance to love her as an adult. Her and Eric will never meet Abby, they will never see my children, and I die a little inside every time I think of this.
Too much pressure to be happy and merry. Too much time to sit and think about the dead. Those rattling chains if the past sing me to sleep tonight, please.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A Few Days
So life is pretty hard sometimes. I am trying not to show how bad I feel about the situation that is going on with my family and my wife's family. In my head I try and tell myself that if I just wait long enough it will all just magically fix itself and we will all go back to being happy.
The harsh reality is that divorce happens and illness happens. We can defy time. If I could I would be a much happier person. I really don't want my life to spiral out of control because of decisions my mother made while on meth but I don't have a choice in the matter. I hate what drugs do to people and if people try and tell me that pot is harmless I will have to try hard not to punch them in the face. Pot is definitely a gateway drug and it ruins lives just as much as alcohol. I am trying to figure out what is real and what is not. I know that all of it is real but how can anyone possible let their wife leave town knowing that she is going to have an affair with another man and then let her come back home into open arms. I must be crazy.
On the other front in my life I just want to shake people until they understand or until their brains turn to liquid and ooze from their facial orifices. I thought that maybe writing it on here would help me with dealing with it and I guess it does but I also expect that someone will talk to be about it but I feel as if most of my "friends" will just ditch me. I know they don't really mean to be that way but we are a race of people bent on being number one and staying that way. I can't blame human nature but I still want to gain a group of friends that will be here for me when I need them.
I guess that I am just rambling now and crying while typing is no good for anyone so I will have to say good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!
The harsh reality is that divorce happens and illness happens. We can defy time. If I could I would be a much happier person. I really don't want my life to spiral out of control because of decisions my mother made while on meth but I don't have a choice in the matter. I hate what drugs do to people and if people try and tell me that pot is harmless I will have to try hard not to punch them in the face. Pot is definitely a gateway drug and it ruins lives just as much as alcohol. I am trying to figure out what is real and what is not. I know that all of it is real but how can anyone possible let their wife leave town knowing that she is going to have an affair with another man and then let her come back home into open arms. I must be crazy.
On the other front in my life I just want to shake people until they understand or until their brains turn to liquid and ooze from their facial orifices. I thought that maybe writing it on here would help me with dealing with it and I guess it does but I also expect that someone will talk to be about it but I feel as if most of my "friends" will just ditch me. I know they don't really mean to be that way but we are a race of people bent on being number one and staying that way. I can't blame human nature but I still want to gain a group of friends that will be here for me when I need them.
I guess that I am just rambling now and crying while typing is no good for anyone so I will have to say good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Something great
I ask myself every night before I fall asleep if I am going in the right direction.
I sit and ponder and I list all of the great things in my life. I have a great wife and we have a wonderful relationship. I don't mind that we don't live in the greatest apartment or that we don't have that much money. What I really care about is my little tortoise Lana and the fact that I wake up every morning.
I have been taking life for granted for a long time and I know that I am young and what not but I have seen a lot of bad things in my short years and they have shaped me into who I am today. I don't really know where I will be in 5 years or 10 years but I do hope that I am raising a few kids living in a bigger place and working at a job that I don't hate.
That idea of leaving something great behind that my kids can share with their children has been sitting in the forefront of my mind for a long time. I really don't care what it is. Even if its just a great story that doesn't even have to be true. I just want something. Anything. I want to do something great or be something great. I know that this is what all people want but that doesn't make my want of it any less important. I am sure that one day I will know what it is that I get to leave behind but until then I will just have to grind my teeth and grit through it.
I sit and ponder and I list all of the great things in my life. I have a great wife and we have a wonderful relationship. I don't mind that we don't live in the greatest apartment or that we don't have that much money. What I really care about is my little tortoise Lana and the fact that I wake up every morning.
I have been taking life for granted for a long time and I know that I am young and what not but I have seen a lot of bad things in my short years and they have shaped me into who I am today. I don't really know where I will be in 5 years or 10 years but I do hope that I am raising a few kids living in a bigger place and working at a job that I don't hate.
That idea of leaving something great behind that my kids can share with their children has been sitting in the forefront of my mind for a long time. I really don't care what it is. Even if its just a great story that doesn't even have to be true. I just want something. Anything. I want to do something great or be something great. I know that this is what all people want but that doesn't make my want of it any less important. I am sure that one day I will know what it is that I get to leave behind but until then I will just have to grind my teeth and grit through it.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May day!
I remember being a little scamp and stealing flowers from some old lady's garden and then ringing my neighbors doorbell and running away giggling madly!
Oh those were the days right? When little things meant so very much to us. Today I went to work and listened to incredibly ignorant and I am just going to be honest...ugly. I mean I don't really care if you are ugly or beautiful but when you are missing tons of teeth due to their crazy drug abuse habits I cringe and turn into a jerk.
I don't like being a jerk to general public at my job but then again I do...I really do. I give everyone a chance to prove to me when that they are not without brains but then when I tell someone the movie is sold out and they say "What do you mean, like...I can still buy tickets right?" I really just want to slap them in face but I doubt they would even understand why I did it.
So I am not sure if I am going to post every day this month but I will try and post as much as I can. I will try and think of awesome stories to tell.
I wrote this right after the announcement that we killed Osama Bin Laden had been killed but I left out a long and drawn out statement because what I believe about this situation doesn't need to be said. I am happy for our nation upon the idea that we accomplished something great but I will never applaud murder on either side of the barbed wire.
Oh those were the days right? When little things meant so very much to us. Today I went to work and listened to incredibly ignorant and I am just going to be honest...ugly. I mean I don't really care if you are ugly or beautiful but when you are missing tons of teeth due to their crazy drug abuse habits I cringe and turn into a jerk.
I don't like being a jerk to general public at my job but then again I do...I really do. I give everyone a chance to prove to me when that they are not without brains but then when I tell someone the movie is sold out and they say "What do you mean, like...I can still buy tickets right?" I really just want to slap them in face but I doubt they would even understand why I did it.
So I am not sure if I am going to post every day this month but I will try and post as much as I can. I will try and think of awesome stories to tell.
I wrote this right after the announcement that we killed Osama Bin Laden had been killed but I left out a long and drawn out statement because what I believe about this situation doesn't need to be said. I am happy for our nation upon the idea that we accomplished something great but I will never applaud murder on either side of the barbed wire.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Last Day of April
Today is the last day for Blog Every Day in April.
I did it! wahoo! I managed to do something for a whole month. There were some shaky nights there where I almost forgot to post but there are 30 posts and 30 days.
So what does this mean for me. I guess I just need to keep at it. Maybe do some movie reviews or talk more about my favorite things like video games and more anime style stuff. I guess I will just see where the world of the internet blog will take me. Thanks to all of you who actually read this blog I hope that you will continue to follow me in the near future.
If there is anything anyone would like me to talk about you HAVE TO LEAVE COMMENTS! I hope everyone had a good April. I know I didn't...I will see you in May!
I did it! wahoo! I managed to do something for a whole month. There were some shaky nights there where I almost forgot to post but there are 30 posts and 30 days.
So what does this mean for me. I guess I just need to keep at it. Maybe do some movie reviews or talk more about my favorite things like video games and more anime style stuff. I guess I will just see where the world of the internet blog will take me. Thanks to all of you who actually read this blog I hope that you will continue to follow me in the near future.
If there is anything anyone would like me to talk about you HAVE TO LEAVE COMMENTS! I hope everyone had a good April. I know I didn't...I will see you in May!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Anime
I love anime. For my birthday this year there is a 78 hour long anime convention in Seattle. So I really want to go but I really don't want to go alone. I mean when I think about it I am sure that I would have fun by myself and maybe meet some new people but Anime kids are weird. I am weird but not like that. I do however have almost all of a Naruto themed costume but what does that mean...I know...I know.
I have been watching anime a lot more lately and I have been loving it. I love the overacting and the amazing art. I love the variety. Well back to this anime convention. So my idea was that if no one would go with me for the whole weekend I could spend the first day by myself and convince a few of my friends to come on the Saturday and then spend the third day as a wrap up alone and then head home. The main thing is affording the hotel for the three days but by that time my friends should all be living in the Seattle area so maybe I could crash at their place. The only thing about that is I like the idea of staying the hotel and experiencing the whole aspect of the convention but its pretty expensive.
When I try to justify the expense I try and tell myself that "when does something like this ever fall on your birthday weekend" and "You could always save money so that you can make it possible" and "You could have your wife spend the weekend with her sister so that you don't have to worry about her being home alone." But are any of these ideas any good? Probably not but I hope that I will have enough courage to do this alone. I guess only time will tell.
I have been watching anime a lot more lately and I have been loving it. I love the overacting and the amazing art. I love the variety. Well back to this anime convention. So my idea was that if no one would go with me for the whole weekend I could spend the first day by myself and convince a few of my friends to come on the Saturday and then spend the third day as a wrap up alone and then head home. The main thing is affording the hotel for the three days but by that time my friends should all be living in the Seattle area so maybe I could crash at their place. The only thing about that is I like the idea of staying the hotel and experiencing the whole aspect of the convention but its pretty expensive.
When I try to justify the expense I try and tell myself that "when does something like this ever fall on your birthday weekend" and "You could always save money so that you can make it possible" and "You could have your wife spend the weekend with her sister so that you don't have to worry about her being home alone." But are any of these ideas any good? Probably not but I hope that I will have enough courage to do this alone. I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Universe
The universe is old. How old you ask? Well some believe that the earth is only a couple of thousand years old other however see the universe as billions of years. I don't really know where I fall. I want to say that I jump on the science bandwagon but that is only because the alternative is preposterous.
This subject has been brought up quite a lot in my logic class almost daily. My teacher says that it took us billions of years to figure out that it took us billions of years to get to this point. So that in this point in time is the only point in our exsistence that we can truly see how far we have come. We have billions sunk into space exploration and all that they can tell us is that we can see millions of years into the past when we look at far away solar systems. This idea then becomes flawed beyond all reason to me. Time is relative as Einstien found out and that we can not put a time index on what we see through a telescope. I know the old idea that when we look up into the nights sky we see stars. Not really though we are seeing death. We see the glimmer of what that star used to be. Because light travels differently we don't see it as it is. We see an almost reflection of what it used to be. So we tell ourselves we are seeing into the past. I don't really understand that. We are seeing pictures of what used to be. That is like saying when I look an old picture of my dad I am seeing into the past. I am only seeing a glimpse of one image that has already happened. I am not experiencing in in the same time frame or even in the same dimension so how could they possible say that we are looking into the past.
This whole idea gets me all riled up. I am going to go eat some cake and settle down. More to come!
This subject has been brought up quite a lot in my logic class almost daily. My teacher says that it took us billions of years to figure out that it took us billions of years to get to this point. So that in this point in time is the only point in our exsistence that we can truly see how far we have come. We have billions sunk into space exploration and all that they can tell us is that we can see millions of years into the past when we look at far away solar systems. This idea then becomes flawed beyond all reason to me. Time is relative as Einstien found out and that we can not put a time index on what we see through a telescope. I know the old idea that when we look up into the nights sky we see stars. Not really though we are seeing death. We see the glimmer of what that star used to be. Because light travels differently we don't see it as it is. We see an almost reflection of what it used to be. So we tell ourselves we are seeing into the past. I don't really understand that. We are seeing pictures of what used to be. That is like saying when I look an old picture of my dad I am seeing into the past. I am only seeing a glimpse of one image that has already happened. I am not experiencing in in the same time frame or even in the same dimension so how could they possible say that we are looking into the past.
This whole idea gets me all riled up. I am going to go eat some cake and settle down. More to come!
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