My conversation with Death

So I am sitting alone at Mcdonalds when a man dressed all in black sits down next me. He is handsome and his face is clean and shaved. His eyes are kind and thoughtful and he carries himself with pride. He stares at me as I take a giant bite out of my chicken sandwich and waits for me to swallow before he speaks.

"I don't normally do this but I had to say something" he said with a half smile.
"Do I know you?" I ask as I wipe my mouth with my napkin.
"Sort of" He replied "But we haven't officially met. I'm Death. Nice to meet you" he stops and holds out his hand for me to shake. I just sit there and stare at him like he is crazy. I blink a few times while thinking of what he just said. If he was death I thought I really shouldn't shake his hand"
"If you really are Death I shouldn't shake your hand right? Or it will kill me right?" I said slyly. His face fell into a frown and he withdrew his hand.
"You sure do have my card don't you? Well I am not here to take you but I am here to let you know that I will get you eventually and you will not see it coming." He stopped to gauge my reaction.
"I don't believe that you are Death and you telling me I am going to die means that I am going to expect to do no matter how it happens I will expect death because death is going to happen no matter what" I took another big bite and waited. He sat and mulled what I said over and then got up and walked out. I followed him with my eyes as he walked across the parking lot and then out into the street. He stopped walking and was hit by an old women. I dropped my burger and ran out into the street. The man was lying on his back covered in blood and looking strait up into the sky. I could hear his voice leaking out of his blood filled mouth. I dropped to my knees to listen. He raised his crimson hand and touch my temple with his index finger and muttered the words "I got you".


I have been thinking about death a lot lately and if he is real entity I hope he has a sense of humor.

Space

I am taking a logic class and we talk about a lot of strange stuff but as of late we have been talking about things like string theory and other theoretical physic type things. I try and tell myself that it is one thing to think about how old the universe might be but most of these strict scientific people say they "know". It is really hard for me to have faith in anything I can not see or hold in my hand. I see these scientist in the same way that I see religious figures. They say pretty much the same things. They both say they know for sure about certain things but they don't really. They both have educated guesses about what may or may not be.

When it comes to the afterlife science says that there is no such thing. When you die you die. Some religions say that you go to heaven or hell or get reincarnated. I don't really know what I believe but I will tell you I am skeptical about all of it. I don't really want to think that when I die I die but I don't really care if I go to heaven or hell or get reincarnated. I just really want to know what happens so that I can be better prepared for it.

Science is getting way too far ahead of itself. They are trying to figure out things that proably don't need to be poked and prodded but in the name of science and that is science without ethics anything is possible. An ethical line needs to be drawn in all areas of life. Without these ethics we would spiral out of control and end up all killing and stealing from each other. The same goes for science and religion. We should not pursue creating black holes until we know what the outcome will be and if we can find it without doing it we shouldn't do it. On the other side if a place like planned parenthood provides abortions to women in need and you see that as taking someones life you do not ever have the right to bomb a place like that and possibly kill innocent people in the name of your cause while preaching the opposite.

I'm sorry my blog is so heavy tonight but I just wanted to say a few things.

Worse

You know how you tell yourself that a giver situation couldn't get any worse than it is and then it gets worse. Yeah that is my life right now. I feel like I should just give up and retreat into some cave some where and never talk to anyone again. I could just string some power cords and read my nook forever.

I know this is drastic but a situation like the one I landed in today is something that movies do wrong every time. You see a family on the verge of exploding due to some kind of illness and drugs. Well what they don't show in the movies is the extreme nature of mental illness and drug abuse. How casually a person changes from loving and caring to paranoid and devious. I want to love my mother. I really do but when I hear things that she is doing and saying to my father my heart breaks. There are many battle scars on my heart put there by an abusive mother that I always believed was just the way she was and now I know that whatever it was that made her that way now and again has now taken over her entire being and she has let loose and throw her own family to the dogs. I have no idea how I am suppose to deal with a situation like this because I don't live in a movie and the main dramatic event won't be fixed before the credits roll mostly because there are no credits. When my mother dies there wont be a flash forward to my life down the road where I have moved on and gotten over it. Death has lived around me for many years. My mothers family doesn't really have a long life span and I have buried too many people in my short years. Losing my best friend was really the turning stone in my life and I knew that after that I wouldn't be the same. My life had changed and still is changing because of it. I still think of him every day and I as I sit here now watching wrestling trying to fight back tears I can hear him laugh and mock me.

I don't know how the movie of my life will end but I know that I have good friends and family that are here for me through this. I want so much to be with my dad helping him deal with this but I can't and that cuts to the heart of me.

Easter

Today is Easter and that doesn't really mean a whole lot to me. I made a decision that I wasn't going to call my mother today to see if she had gotten over her craziness towards me but she hasn't. I was not really surprised by this but it still does hurt. I am glad that I got to spend this weekend with my sister in law though. It was nice to see her and spend some time doing what we always do. Spending hours trying to think of something to do but end up not doing anything.

I spent most of today reading on my Nook and I couldn't be happier. I finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and it still made me tear up. The emotion at the end of the book is so powerful that I wanted to re read it over and over again. I was watching the movie version at the same time but I feel like that movie makes me more angry than happy. I feel this way about most of the newer Harry Potter films with the exception of Deathly Hollows. Everything after the second movie just went downhill. I hate when book adaptions add things that were not in the book but leave important things out. I am excited to watch the final installment and it is getting closer and closer every day. I have a few months left to read the last three books again and I am sure that I will do that in time.

I really want to dress up and make a big deal out of it but I know that I won't but I guess I will end with saying Happy Easter!

nook color

Tonight I bought the Nook Color and I have to say it's freaking amazing! It is everything an E reader should be!

It has a pretty hefty price tag but I have been saving up to buy one so I feel like I am going to be using the heck out of this thing. On the next update of the firmware they are going to add nook apps and enable flash! I will be able to stream my Naruto on it! If that doesn't freaking blow your mind how bout reading comics in full color!! I think I have fallen in love all over again. Don't get me wrong I am a technology junkie but I love it. It is the closest thing to an I pad I will ever get. I don't think I will be dropping 500 bucks on something that isn't a Gaming console or a new computer! I will have more details on the Nook when the update is available and I will be pushing it on everyone I meet who is interested in E readers!

OK so tired and I want to read so goodnight to everyone. If you don't read Will Wheatons blog you should. Here is a link.

http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2011/04/wil-buys-a-new-game-its-super-effective.html

E Reader

I got a new Ereader tonight and I am going to be playing with it for the next month to see if I want to keep it or not. Of course the first thing I am going to load and read on it is Harry Potter! So I am pretty excited about that. I am also excited to be able to download and read books. I hope that this sparks a reading frenzy for me. I hope that I fall in love with this e reader!

So I guess I should go and mess with it more and stop writing this blog for tonight. I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow on the subject!

Day 21

I have been doing a good job. I have been posting every day and keeping true to my word. I mean it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things but it does mean something to me. I am probably going to try and post every day for as long as I can just so that it is there and I know it is an outlet for me to say what I want to say.

So on another note. Today I was trying to figure out if I was going to skip class or not. I mean it is a pretty easy thing to figure out. Do I go or don't I. Do or don't. I mean if you know for sure that you don't want to do something it is easy for you not to do it but today was not one of those days. I was tired and unmotivated about school. I like school and I like my subjects but I feel that when I am sitting in class I am taking it all in but the people around me are not and it bums me out. I know that sounds weird but I want to help them and explain to them in a way that they understand but I am not the teacher, I shouldn't have to do that.

I had two things planned for my day before class. I needed to go to the store to shop for Abby and Molly for their Easter baskets and I wanted Jo Jo's for lunch. It took about an hour and half to do those two things. After that I spent hours thinking about class. Asking myself if I needed to go. If I didn't go would I miss something important, would my teacher assign something that I need to do. All of those kinds of things kept me on the side of going but I was pretty tired after writing for an hour and playing Diablo for two. I flipped a coin and it told me not to go to class but I didn't take its word. I thought about consulting the I Ching but I wasn't sure if the Sage would really help me in this area. I landed on the last resort. I took a nap and before I laid down I told myself if I wake up with enough time to go to class then I would. My class is at 5:10 and it takes about 11 minutes to get to school from my house. I woke up at 4:51. Sure I could just close my eyes and roll back over and sleep until my wife came home or I could get up and make it there just in time. I tossed and rolled all over the bed until I about fell off. I took this as the last sign. I needed to go to class.

So I made it to school with time to spare. Class was a big waste of time but my teacher did say as he was handing my test back to me "Watch out for that Ben guy his analytical skills are scary, head hunters will be coming for him soon enough" so I guess it was worth it. Thanks universe...I guess.