So, it's getting pretty close to Christmas and I have been having a harder time this year than I ever have before.
Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful wife, a decent job, and plenty of "friends". Even though I have all these things it doesn't stop me from thinking about my parents recent divorce.
They were not always happy and they were no the perfect parents, they were far from it, but, they were my parents. Now I don't even know where my mother is and my dad is father away from me than I have ever really noticed since I moved to Bellingham. The days fly by and I am sitting here staring at a book that needs to be edited so that I can, for the first time share my writing with my family.
I take a step back and fear the future. What will I become? Where will I lead this family I keep dreaming about? Will my friends ever grow up and be there for me like I am for them? Who knows?
I tend to fall back on the memories of my grandmother who lived for Christmas and all of her grand kids. I loved her even though I only knew her as grandma and not as a real person. She died of cancer before I ever got the chance to love her as an adult. Her and Eric will never meet Abby, they will never see my children, and I die a little inside every time I think of this.
Too much pressure to be happy and merry. Too much time to sit and think about the dead. Those rattling chains if the past sing me to sleep tonight, please.
This blog entry, while short, conveys so much. The holidays can be so hard sometimes, and not every year is going to feel perfect, or even easy...good thing we have so many more years of holidays to come. We'll get it right one of these years.
ReplyDeleteI really wish I could know Eric, and your grandma. For you to have loved them, I know they must be amazing. I always wish you could have known my grandma and grandpa better as well, and sometimes it makes me so sad to think that you never will.
But you know, I love you and you love me, and overall we have a pretty good life going...so we'll get through this harder holiday season and we'll weather anything that comes our way. We always do, and we always will. Together.