Worse

You know how you tell yourself that a giver situation couldn't get any worse than it is and then it gets worse. Yeah that is my life right now. I feel like I should just give up and retreat into some cave some where and never talk to anyone again. I could just string some power cords and read my nook forever.

I know this is drastic but a situation like the one I landed in today is something that movies do wrong every time. You see a family on the verge of exploding due to some kind of illness and drugs. Well what they don't show in the movies is the extreme nature of mental illness and drug abuse. How casually a person changes from loving and caring to paranoid and devious. I want to love my mother. I really do but when I hear things that she is doing and saying to my father my heart breaks. There are many battle scars on my heart put there by an abusive mother that I always believed was just the way she was and now I know that whatever it was that made her that way now and again has now taken over her entire being and she has let loose and throw her own family to the dogs. I have no idea how I am suppose to deal with a situation like this because I don't live in a movie and the main dramatic event won't be fixed before the credits roll mostly because there are no credits. When my mother dies there wont be a flash forward to my life down the road where I have moved on and gotten over it. Death has lived around me for many years. My mothers family doesn't really have a long life span and I have buried too many people in my short years. Losing my best friend was really the turning stone in my life and I knew that after that I wouldn't be the same. My life had changed and still is changing because of it. I still think of him every day and I as I sit here now watching wrestling trying to fight back tears I can hear him laugh and mock me.

I don't know how the movie of my life will end but I know that I have good friends and family that are here for me through this. I want so much to be with my dad helping him deal with this but I can't and that cuts to the heart of me.